See you in my dreams

Apparently dreaming about saying goodbye to people I lost is a thing now. It's been bothering me for a while now, so no surprises that I had to deal with it whilst sleeping. Interesting experience.

Lately I lost many many friends. Most of them I handled very well, because let's just say it's not my first time at rodeo. Although there are some losses which really gave me a hard time. I've been discussing it with people, I tried to let go, I tried to think about them as a nice period of my life that came to an end, but still, something bugs me deep inside that I'm just not able to cure. So then I dream.

Okay, let's make it clear, nobody died. They just decided not to be a part of my life anymore. Free will. I went through those beautiful break-up stages like anger, missing, ignoring, crying, giving the fault to them, etc. At the end of the day it changes nothing; they won't be back. So in my dreams I meet them again. I fight with them. I cry. We cry. They care. We explain. I explain. I say goodbye.

Every relationship harms you if you have no chance for a proper closure. If they leave you without giving a reason. If you can't be honest with each other. If you lose. I lost. I lost these interesting, smart, amazing people because of many reasons. Among those reasons some are my fault. What can I do? I still can't turn back time. I can't shout at them to realize their mistakes. I can't tell them to care. I can't tell them to love me. So I have to give my soul a rest and say thank you for the good times, I will miss you.

Goodbye.

Dimensions

Girls gathering together to whine about their relationships... How common is that? You find at least one group of them in every bar, café, etc. They complain and tell each other that they should be strong and leave their boyfriends. Are they right? Or are they only victims of the century?

I had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend today that I would like to share. After he hugged and kissed me in an extra-romantic way, I got surprised and the following happened:

Me: - What happened to you?
Bf:  - What do you mean?
Me: - You never really kiss me like that anymore.
Bf:  - Why do you say that?
Me: - I don't know. We just don't do that lately.
Bf:  - Yes, we do.

Are we living in different relationships? If a girl thinks that she's been underappreciated and the relationship is dying, how is it possible that the boyfriend doesn't notice anything about it? Is it in her head only? Or are we chasing fake standards from movies, songs and books? What if the boyfriend is right and we, girls, just take everything too seriously and make a big deal about not french-kissing for a day... Can it be the solution for 2014's relationship problems?

This situation really made me think for hours. If we just try to let go of control for a while, probably we'll see something else, something new in it. Let me explain. We usually tell our partners if we don't like something. That's all right, there is nothing wrong with it. But if they hear five times a day that they messed up something (especially if it's only choosing the wrong flavour of a smoothie), how do we expect them to be open and happy with us? They have feelings too. Yes, nowadays, we are the most important people in our lives. That is just how it is in the past few years. Is it selfish? Yes, it is. But when you start a relationship with someone, your partner has to come first eventually. Not all the time, but sometimes. He can have a bad day too, he can be stressed too, it's not only you who feels exhausted because of a terrible headache. He won't always talk in a nice way with you and he won't be all cuddly and lovey-dovey with you, but at the end of the day, he will rest his little head on the pillow next to you. And from all of this, what he notices is that you are besides him no matter what. Of course for him the relationship is perfect. Or close to it. While you worry yourself sick till you're blue in the face.

What I'm trying to say is only that we must think about the whole picture before we start crying and plan our escape. If you're boyfriend is in a happy relationship, you are awesome. If you don't feel the same, try to worry less and appreciate the small things, because that's the only way you'll be in the same relationship. Otherwise you're gonna keep living in different dimensions. And that sucks.

What's the point of playin' when you're gonna lose?

If you knew it for sure that you'd lose, would you still sit down and play the game? Or would you rather laugh and walk away while a "fuck this shit" is escaping from your mouth? Is the occasional fun worth the price of losing?

When you are 5 your parents say it doesn't matter who wins, it's all about enjoying the game. And you grow up knowing that even if you don't win at the end, the time spent together is the only thing that matters. Is it? When you are playing with someone who is definitely going to win the game, isn't it smarter to stand up and leave when you see the signs of losing? Don't you feel really really stupid wasting your own time by sitting there gambling with the luckiest man alive? There should be a horn to warn you to RUN NOW. They say running away isn't the solution for your problems, but neither is waiting for your own disaster. If you are not able to close your eyes to avoid seeing the signs that the universe is throwing at you, why would you suffer? Because one thing is for sure: you can't enjoy a losing game. You can try and you can force yourself to stay, but at the end the only thing you regret is the time wasted on something that would never bring you the prize.

And when you've been doing this for a while, one day you just realize that you quit playing games, becuase there is no way of winning.

2014

If every single day's the kinda day when you feel like you just can't deal with your problems, when do you deal with them? Is there a universal deadline to take responsibility for your mistakes? How do you say you're sorry when you don't exactly know what you're sorry for?  And at last: why do we like to shut each other out so much?

Lately I've been thinking too much as it seems. I'm trying to figure out when we decided to choose ignorance instead of forgiveness. People just can't see the whole picture these days, we are so selfish that if someone hurts us, we punish them with forgetting about their existence. All the good memories? Time spent together? Crying on each other's shoulders? Gone with the wind. It doesn't matter if the person has been with you everytime you needed, if your feelings got hurt, the best thing is to completely forget about them in a minute. We are so busy loving ourselves that even if we wanted to, we can't take the time to think about the other side. We're just running around, doing our daily stuff and let time do its thing: heal our wounds. And if they don't hurt anymore? We're still too damn busy to even let it pop in our precious minds that maybe, just maybe we needed to talk about it. And now that I'm sitting here writing this post, I've got the time to realize that instead of discussing the problem with him, I am sitting here writing this post.

We've never been more selfish.

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